Oh Boy

A few days ago I wrote about nothing with my Five Minute Friday peeps. Might want to check it out for all this to make since.

This is our fourth pregnancy.

Let me just nip these in the bud real quick. For some reason people take it upon themselves to ask some rather personal questions about pregnancy so I'm going to go ahead and clear those out for you.
- Yes, we know how becoming pregnant happens. No, I don't think it's as funny a comment as you do.
- No, I do not think it's funny when you say I am a baby making factory... it's actually extremely rude.
- Yes, we have more than two children... my goodness thanks so much for making me aware of this.

This pregnancy was as planned for, as any pregnancy really is (I'm not always sure what people want you to respond to when they ask you that either). We did the pros and cons list, made a new budget, realized how crazy we were and put it in God's hands. We prayed, we took test after test, we cried, we took temperatures everyday, we went on specific diets. This pregnancy was... is... we are pregnant soo... was sought after.

We want four children as crazy as that is in a small family world out there. I frankly think it's odd to have an odd number of children, there, how does that make you feel? It's a strange thing to say isn't it?! Big families are okay, there is such a weird taboo out there right now about only having 2.5 babies. I understand that it makes mathematical since... but realistically unachievable. My point here is, getting pregnant a fourth time put me/us in this weird "Oh my lanta, you want children/ You're going to have a big family" category. And... it's hard, that's my point.

We have three outstanding boys. This Momma was really really cheering for a girl. Surprise, we are having a boy. I. Am. Sad. 

Here is where a few things happen by telling you how I really feel about this...

1- You can't have kiddos and you want to scratch my eyeballs out because I have been blessed with four children.

2- You are a mother and you are tsk-tsking at me.

3- You are a father and you are giving me the "Pregnant woman, they are never happy", look.

4- You are not a parent and you are looking at this post and saying, "I don't deserve children".

5- You are a grandparent and are shocked that this younger generation would feel this way.

6- You are a parent with multiples of the same sex children and have been here.

7- You have eleven kids and say "Try again, maybe next time".

8- You, you blessed person out there, are waiting for my reasoning.

Maybe I didn't hit your initial reaction but basically these are the things that I have been up against by saying anything. That I don't love my children, that I don't deserve them, how can I feel this way. Trust me the horrible sayings have been slushing away at me these past few weeks.

Here's the thing. I do care. I do love these boys with a mother's unconditional love. I do love that we have been blessed with this little life. I love each and every child that we have been blessed with. Don't you worry, I doubt my parenting all the time... but I think that's what makes great parents. I am beating myself up because... well, we are always our own worst critic, aren't we?

I am a girl. I wanted to be able to take my daughter to get her nails did. I wanted to be able to pick her up when her first crush hurt her. I wanted to have pink in our house and not have someone laugh because they would know it was mine in a house full of boys. I wanted a relationship with my daughter like I have with my Mom. I wanted to listen to her wedding plans or traveling plans or hopes. I wanted to french braid my daughters hair for a cheerleading competition or volleyball tryouts. I wanted to teach her how to put makeup on. I wanted to see my husband look at his little girl.

I feared getting pregnant again and having a fourth boy. Que all the great comments.
- FOUR BOYS!
- You must have done something in a past life.
- What are you going to do?
- What did you do to deserve that punishment?
- Ha ha ha I knew it.
- Well maybe next time.
- I thought you were supposed to get me a girl.

And so far... humanity has not let me down.

I looked for resources out there in cyber world. Of course I checked WebMD to see if there was some type of imbalance with me, some psychological disorder... apparently no. I googled Moms with boys. I found a few posts but they almost made it worse. Not because they were bad posts but because it would be a momma with one boy and one girl. I checked Pintereset... there are super cute pictures with baby announcements out there for four brothers and a baby sister. I looked on baby groups, you know the websites that you can join to watch your baby grow. You can tell people how you're doing in pregnancy because it is an emotional time and you SHOULD get support. Low and behold there were Mommas on there that were having these feelings about baby number 1, 2, 3... and they were crucified for having these feelings. I sure wasn't about to tell them I was having these feelings on baby 4.

Then I stopped. I let all this sink in... and I felt worse.

I'm a Mom how can I feel this way? I love Baby L and his brothers to pieces. I'm just sad. For the things I will miss and never know. I know that these feeling are not a reflection of my love for Baby L. I should not feel this way.
And on
and on
my days went.

The comments people said just kept coming. I shut down or as my husband phrases it, I put my wall up. I talked to very few people about how I really felt and bless them for being my extra walls when I needed it.

This is sort of my a-ha moment if you will... I listen to a podcast by Tsh, The Art of Simple. Tsh was interviewing Kat Lee from Inspired To Action. To kind of check her out before I hit subscribe I listened to a handful of Kat's recordings. I hit a jackpot though when I listened to the interview with Heather Macfadyen (Mother of four boys). Then I listened to the interview with Jen Murray (Mother of quadruplet boys). Then there was the interview with Brooke McGlothlin (Mother of two boys and author of 'Praying For Our Boys'). Then suddenly there was a search madness happening within me. Heather Macfadyen has her own podcast,God Centered Mom. I was blessed to find the interview Heather did with Ruth Simons (Mother of six boys). I cannot tell you how blessed these podcasts made me feel.

I needed to hear these things. I just needed to know there were Moms out there with more than 2.5 kids. Moms that had multiples of one gender. I needed to know that it was something that people do go through. That I am allowed to feel sad and that it will pass maybe come back every now and then.

I also learned that people are going to judge and they will 'make a fool' of themselves. There is no hiding from that. People will say things that shouldn't be said meaning to or not. We will be criticized for having four children, we will be criticized for having all boys. It's just how it is, unfortunately. This is the battle that is out there. There's a battle for infertile women out there too. There's a battle for the women that don't want children. It's just there. We all have our battles, no one battle is harder or worse than the other. It's just hard.

I write this post because this blog is suppose to catch all the words that are flowing out at once. I write this post because maybe someday some Momma will need to know it's okay too. I write this post because maybe it will stop one of you out there from saying something awful that you really don't think about or never had thought about.

More importantly though, I write this post in hopes that someday my sons will look back and say, "Mom was real with her feelings. I can be strong enough to be real with mine too". One of my greatest hopes to you my sons, is that you will be real with your feelings because that's a battle that the world will set against you too. It will be hard but feel each feeling that God has given to you. Know that your Mom is not perfect. I've been tested to be real and I might have failed there for a while. I put the fake smile on for others only to cry to your Dad or in the shower... or in the doctor's office... or all three. The real truth, you have to be true. It'll be hard but always be you. No matter how many broken steps you have to take to get there. 

I am looking so forward with being trusted with four little boys. Maybe the good Lord really does believe I can raise some spectacular little humans. No. Not just maybe, he knows because the good Lord has blessed my husband and I with three soon... not soon enough... four boys.

That's right a BLESSED, UN-APOLOGETICALLY,  BIG, LOUD, MESSY, ENERGIZED, family with FOUR boys.