Nothing

I'm joining in on Lisa-Jo baker's 'Five Minute Friday'.
The rules are pretty simple. One word. Five minutes of writing. No editing.

Have you ever felt an emotion and been so... unsure as to how others will think of it that you say nothing? I'm raising my hand on this one. The thing is... I recently found something out and was so very sad. I'm 99.9% positive that everyone else would react all happy, butterflies and rainbows. I have told litteraly about four people the way I actually feel. More than I had originally thought I would.

It got me thinking though... why are we so ashamed of our feelings. For me the loudest thought that comes to mind is judgement. I am so scared of how people will receive what I feel that I say nothing.

I went through/ going through the struggle of OMGoodness... I am the only person in the world that would EVER react this way, I am a terrible person. Can I just say, thank you Lord for podcasts and blogs! I have only been looking for a few weeks on how to deal with the emotion and there are some oh so brave ladies out there that have gone through this same thing.

So. Today instead of saying nothing. I'm going to say it. This is our fourth pregnancy, we have three boys. This Momma was desperately wanting a girl, we are having a boy. I am sad.

Close

I'm joining in on Lisa-Jo baker's 'Five Minute Friday'.
The rules are pretty simple. One word. Five minutes of writing. No editing.

I've noticed the last few weeks that I have closed myself off. I'm blocking out my emotions from others to see. Part of me knows why and the other part just wants to pretend that it's not happening... again.

Fear and sadness are my shutdowns. Either of those emotion start to creep up and I start blocking everything out. My husband says it's my wall, pretty accurate, I'll give him that. I start building this wall and before I know it I've completely closed everyone out. 

Sometimes it's a good thing. I block everyone out and the only person that I let in is God. It's refreshing. Then little by little I open the hole in the wall a bit more, my husband, my children, my friends, my family.

I'm not saying it's always a good thing. I think these are my weakest times too. When I close up and build my wall I know Satin is also waiting to strike. Spewing nasty little lies in my ear that I believe, 'look how lonely you are', 'look how no one cares', 'no one even knows'.

It's in those moments though that I can put my hand out and know that if I seek him he will fill my cup. Sometimes it takes a lot for me to remember how close his love is to me.

{52 Lists} Week Twenty

I'm tagging along on with Moorea Seal as she gives a prompt to each week this year on making a list. Yeah, a list. Some of them are deep, some light hearted, some silly. Check out the lists and join in! 

{this moment}

{this moment} -  A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

 

{52 Lists} Week Nineteen

I'm tagging along on with Moorea Seal as she gives a prompt to each week this year on making a list. Yeah, a list. Some of them are deep, some light hearted, some silly. Check out the lists and join in! 

{this moment}

{this moment} -  A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

 

{52 Lists} Week Eighteen

I'm tagging along on with Moorea Seal as she gives a prompt to each week this year on making a list. Yeah, a list. Some of them are deep, some light hearted, some silly. Check out the lists and join in! 

May's Ten on Ten

One photo, ten hours, on the tenth. Find out more at a bit of sunshine!!! Then join in on the ten on ten photo project.

Grateful

I'm joining in on Lisa-Jo baker's 'Five Minute Friday'.
The rules are pretty simple. One word. Five minutes of writing. No editing.

 Grateful.

How in a handful of words can I describe what I am grateful for. I really don't think I can. I dabbled for a few extra days even to try and make some words come to me that sounded beautiful. The thing is the things that I am grateful for... they don't need any enhancing words. They already are beautifully amazingly outstanding.

My Heavenly Father.
My Husband.
My children.
My furry babies.
My family.
My friends.
My past.
My present.
My future.

I am grateful for oh so very very much. I take the challenge every year to post what I am grateful for in the month of November. Sometimes it can be so easy to see the things that I am grateful for. Other times I have to REALLY REALLY think and ponder what there is to be grateful for. I'm not perfect. Nor will I ever be and I'm okay with that. Finding something to be grateful about is a challenge sometimes and that just sounds like my whiny children but it's true. In those moments though some of the most perfect things will come to mind. Even if they are an everyday thing. Being grateful sometimes is that you made it through the day without pulling all of your hair out. THAT is a day that most all of us can relate to. The fact that I can't always find something to be grateful about sometimes makes the search so unbearable though. So friends, don't get down on the search. Be in that moment. Know that you have had a rough day and give yourself some slack. Know that when you do fine your grateful... it'll be just perfect for you.

{52 Lists} Week Seventeen

I'm tagging along on with Moorea Seal as she gives a prompt to each week this year on making a list. Yeah, a list. Some of them are deep, some light hearted, some silly. Check out the lists and join in!

 

April

No rules. Just a prompt and a camera. Check out Chantelle's photo a day challenge.

Mess

I'm joining in on Lisa-Jo baker's 'Five Minute Friday'.
The rules are pretty simple. One word. Five minutes of writing. No editing.

 

Boys.
(They get to be a mess from... being boys. Dirt, mud, water, honey, sticks... it all finds them and they are drawn towards being a hot mess.)

My house.
(It's never the way I left it. I know that I have extra little hands that help to make messes and they help as much as they can in 'cleaning' up the mess. Sometimes though... I wish that when I finish my weekend cleaning spree that it would just... stay clean.)

The life that I have created.
(I go back and forth on this one. I have a beautiful life but man did I make a mess out of so much in my life. I don't know if it's just because I needed to know how strong a person I really am or if I just messed up that much. Again, there is a lot in this life that I feel like I have done right but sometimes I have the outweighing feeling like... well... it's a mess.)

The comment that I said that I meant one way but came out and was taken a completely different way.
(Immaright? I open my mouth. I say something. It's taken the completely opposite way of what I was trying to say... and then there's this weird mess of a trying to clean it up...)

That one drawer and cupboard in the kitchen that somehow is just a collect all.
(Seriously. We have a drawer full of kitchen type gadgets. Then a whole cupboard full of just stuff. You don't really know where to put it and it's getting too cluttery with it out here so... up to the cupboard it goes.)

My laundry room.
(One husband. One me. Three little boys. One brother. Two dogs. That's it... for now.)

Our government... seriously I shouldn't have to even start to explain where we are a mess here.
(I'm not touching that.)

{this moment}

{this moment} -  A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.