{52 Lists} Week 23

Lists, I LOVE lists. I like to write things down on a list so I can see the check mark or line through it. Each week for this year I've been writing a list out on a prompt. I'm hoping over to Paige's site, Moments for the journey, where she has some spectacular prompts for our 52 week lists.

List your pet peeves

- Drivers that leave their blinkers on.
- People who stare in the car. You're driving, focus! 
- Being rude (not using please, thank you, hello, good bye...)
- Using uh, um, ah, aaa, lip smacking REPEATEDLY when speaking. Essentially is your job is to give lectures.
- The scrapping noise that's made when you scrap a utensil on teeth when eating.
- Using the R word.
- Using the word gay to describe anything other than what it really means.
- Arguments over someone's opinion, feeling or their position. Everyone is intitled to his or her opinion, listen to it, you might learn something new.
- Leaving the toilet seat up.
- When at the gym and there are 12 other treadmills and the person takes the one right next to you.
- No toilet paper. You know you took the last bit, replace it!
- Abbreviating a whole sentence. No I don't know what lshidmt. Don't get me wrong, OMGoodness or lol or brb simple common abreviations don't bother me. It's the whole sentence that I'm supposed to figure out, either type it or don't send it.
- Using abbreviations while speaking. You don't need to say lol, I heard you laugh.

My personal pet peeves, that I do that irritate me...

- Having a point to make and forgetting a word. I'm constantly asking my husband, "You know that one place with the lights and the tree that we ate at'... thank goodness he is so good at sherades.
- Saying sorry, when I'm not sorry. Example... instead of sorry I should be saying excuse me.
- Twirrling my hair.
- Double, tripple checking that I have the car keys in my purse before I lock the door.
- Washing my hair and then falling asleep with the towel on my head.

{this moment}

{this moment} -  A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

 

Hands

I'm joining in on Lisa-Jo baker's 'Five Minute Friday'.
The rules are pretty simple. One word. Five minutes of writing. No editing.

Sometimes they get forgotten these hands of mine. Sure I put lotion on them every now and then. I get my nails painted occasionally.

It's when you can't hold your husband's hand.
It's when you can't caress your sons back.
It's when fixing you hair goes from a 30 minute job to an hour job.
It's when your work doubles at your job because typing and multi-button commands take forever.
It's when tying a shoe lace seems impossible.
That's when I notice how much I rely on these hands of mine.

These hands that comfort a child when they are sick.
These hands that rub a husbands back after a long day.
These hands that hold a warm cup of coffee on a cold day.
These hands that are used day in and day out.
These hands that welcome our guests.
These hands that prune up after doing dishes in the sink.
These hands that fold to say prayers.

How spectacular one little body part is. When your without it for just a short time how lost you feel.

We used to play this game in youth group. One person was the eyes and arms, while you partner was the ears and feet. The one had to instruct the other what to do so he didn't fall or run into anything. The idea behind the activity was that without one part of the body you suffer. When the whole body works together it's as it should be.

I remember totally being into Audio Adrenaline. One song that really touched my heart as a youth was Hands and Feet. I went on mission trips and loved them. Learning some very important life lessons. Meeting such amazing people. When I listened to it today, I didn't get the feeling that I need to sign up for the next trip. To me, today it meant more to use what I have where I am right now. I don't have to be over-seas to use my hands for his good work. I'm not saying that maybe one day I wont. I'm saying today I have been blessed with being here state side with my family. I need to make sure that I use my hands and feet in the here and now.

My challenge for myself today, whatever I may be involved in today, may I invest my whole self into it. My heart, my hands, my mind, my feet.

May's Photo A Day

No rules. Just a prompt and a camera. Check out Chantelle's photo a day challenge.

{52 Lists} Week Twenty-One

I'm tagging along on with Moorea Seal as she gives a prompt to each week this year on making a list. Yeah, a list. Some of them are deep, some light hearted, some silly. Check out the lists and join in! 

Oh Boy

A few days ago I wrote about nothing with my Five Minute Friday peeps. Might want to check it out for all this to make since.

This is our fourth pregnancy.

Let me just nip these in the bud real quick. For some reason people take it upon themselves to ask some rather personal questions about pregnancy so I'm going to go ahead and clear those out for you.
- Yes, we know how becoming pregnant happens. No, I don't think it's as funny a comment as you do.
- No, I do not think it's funny when you say I am a baby making factory... it's actually extremely rude.
- Yes, we have more than two children... my goodness thanks so much for making me aware of this.

This pregnancy was as planned for, as any pregnancy really is (I'm not always sure what people want you to respond to when they ask you that either). We did the pros and cons list, made a new budget, realized how crazy we were and put it in God's hands. We prayed, we took test after test, we cried, we took temperatures everyday, we went on specific diets. This pregnancy was... is... we are pregnant soo... was sought after.

We want four children as crazy as that is in a small family world out there. I frankly think it's odd to have an odd number of children, there, how does that make you feel? It's a strange thing to say isn't it?! Big families are okay, there is such a weird taboo out there right now about only having 2.5 babies. I understand that it makes mathematical since... but realistically unachievable. My point here is, getting pregnant a fourth time put me/us in this weird "Oh my lanta, you want children/ You're going to have a big family" category. And... it's hard, that's my point.

We have three outstanding boys. This Momma was really really cheering for a girl. Surprise, we are having a boy. I. Am. Sad. 

Here is where a few things happen by telling you how I really feel about this...

1- You can't have kiddos and you want to scratch my eyeballs out because I have been blessed with four children.

2- You are a mother and you are tsk-tsking at me.

3- You are a father and you are giving me the "Pregnant woman, they are never happy", look.

4- You are not a parent and you are looking at this post and saying, "I don't deserve children".

5- You are a grandparent and are shocked that this younger generation would feel this way.

6- You are a parent with multiples of the same sex children and have been here.

7- You have eleven kids and say "Try again, maybe next time".

8- You, you blessed person out there, are waiting for my reasoning.

Maybe I didn't hit your initial reaction but basically these are the things that I have been up against by saying anything. That I don't love my children, that I don't deserve them, how can I feel this way. Trust me the horrible sayings have been slushing away at me these past few weeks.

Here's the thing. I do care. I do love these boys with a mother's unconditional love. I do love that we have been blessed with this little life. I love each and every child that we have been blessed with. Don't you worry, I doubt my parenting all the time... but I think that's what makes great parents. I am beating myself up because... well, we are always our own worst critic, aren't we?

I am a girl. I wanted to be able to take my daughter to get her nails did. I wanted to be able to pick her up when her first crush hurt her. I wanted to have pink in our house and not have someone laugh because they would know it was mine in a house full of boys. I wanted a relationship with my daughter like I have with my Mom. I wanted to listen to her wedding plans or traveling plans or hopes. I wanted to french braid my daughters hair for a cheerleading competition or volleyball tryouts. I wanted to teach her how to put makeup on. I wanted to see my husband look at his little girl.

I feared getting pregnant again and having a fourth boy. Que all the great comments.
- FOUR BOYS!
- You must have done something in a past life.
- What are you going to do?
- What did you do to deserve that punishment?
- Ha ha ha I knew it.
- Well maybe next time.
- I thought you were supposed to get me a girl.

And so far... humanity has not let me down.

I looked for resources out there in cyber world. Of course I checked WebMD to see if there was some type of imbalance with me, some psychological disorder... apparently no. I googled Moms with boys. I found a few posts but they almost made it worse. Not because they were bad posts but because it would be a momma with one boy and one girl. I checked Pintereset... there are super cute pictures with baby announcements out there for four brothers and a baby sister. I looked on baby groups, you know the websites that you can join to watch your baby grow. You can tell people how you're doing in pregnancy because it is an emotional time and you SHOULD get support. Low and behold there were Mommas on there that were having these feelings about baby number 1, 2, 3... and they were crucified for having these feelings. I sure wasn't about to tell them I was having these feelings on baby 4.

Then I stopped. I let all this sink in... and I felt worse.

I'm a Mom how can I feel this way? I love Baby L and his brothers to pieces. I'm just sad. For the things I will miss and never know. I know that these feeling are not a reflection of my love for Baby L. I should not feel this way.
And on
and on
my days went.

The comments people said just kept coming. I shut down or as my husband phrases it, I put my wall up. I talked to very few people about how I really felt and bless them for being my extra walls when I needed it.

This is sort of my a-ha moment if you will... I listen to a podcast by Tsh, The Art of Simple. Tsh was interviewing Kat Lee from Inspired To Action. To kind of check her out before I hit subscribe I listened to a handful of Kat's recordings. I hit a jackpot though when I listened to the interview with Heather Macfadyen (Mother of four boys). Then I listened to the interview with Jen Murray (Mother of quadruplet boys). Then there was the interview with Brooke McGlothlin (Mother of two boys and author of 'Praying For Our Boys'). Then suddenly there was a search madness happening within me. Heather Macfadyen has her own podcast,God Centered Mom. I was blessed to find the interview Heather did with Ruth Simons (Mother of six boys). I cannot tell you how blessed these podcasts made me feel.

I needed to hear these things. I just needed to know there were Moms out there with more than 2.5 kids. Moms that had multiples of one gender. I needed to know that it was something that people do go through. That I am allowed to feel sad and that it will pass maybe come back every now and then.

I also learned that people are going to judge and they will 'make a fool' of themselves. There is no hiding from that. People will say things that shouldn't be said meaning to or not. We will be criticized for having four children, we will be criticized for having all boys. It's just how it is, unfortunately. This is the battle that is out there. There's a battle for infertile women out there too. There's a battle for the women that don't want children. It's just there. We all have our battles, no one battle is harder or worse than the other. It's just hard.

I write this post because this blog is suppose to catch all the words that are flowing out at once. I write this post because maybe someday some Momma will need to know it's okay too. I write this post because maybe it will stop one of you out there from saying something awful that you really don't think about or never had thought about.

More importantly though, I write this post in hopes that someday my sons will look back and say, "Mom was real with her feelings. I can be strong enough to be real with mine too". One of my greatest hopes to you my sons, is that you will be real with your feelings because that's a battle that the world will set against you too. It will be hard but feel each feeling that God has given to you. Know that your Mom is not perfect. I've been tested to be real and I might have failed there for a while. I put the fake smile on for others only to cry to your Dad or in the shower... or in the doctor's office... or all three. The real truth, you have to be true. It'll be hard but always be you. No matter how many broken steps you have to take to get there. 

I am looking so forward with being trusted with four little boys. Maybe the good Lord really does believe I can raise some spectacular little humans. No. Not just maybe, he knows because the good Lord has blessed my husband and I with three soon... not soon enough... four boys.

That's right a BLESSED, UN-APOLOGETICALLY,  BIG, LOUD, MESSY, ENERGIZED, family with FOUR boys. 

{this moment}

{this moment} -  A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.